try to remember

the kind of Septembers i’ve had varies mercurially from year to year. one of those was spent in solitude walking the shores of galera. a few years back it was weekend parties catering todifferent sets of friends – high school, artsy-fartsy, work colleagues, family – the entire month. then decided it would be more economical to host everyone all at the same time the following year. last year the happening was capped with a trip to cairo, egypt.

but as i write this on the eve of my birthdate, i don’t have anything planned yet. i am not even excited to celebrate (surprisingly though, i have the same birthdate as a friend’s daughter so i guess i might just co-celebrate it with nina, turning 6 years old). were my life had been a symphony, those previous celebrations were lilting allegros while the last was the second movement’s molto vivace.

i am a bit anxious that i’ve hit the start of my plateau this time, the adagio molto, the slowest, when everything seems to be grey (the Russian word for sky literally means “blue” even if it’s grey … coz they know that behind those clouds, the sky is always blue). maybe i am having quarter-life crisis, maybe because of the black atlantic weather, maybe because i don’t have anyone significant to celebrate it with (i have just punctuated my affair with the ‘one-night stand that wouldn’t go away’ only recently after realizing we could never be. though difficult, i am working my way towards emotional autonomy). or maybe all of the above combined.

not even the prospect of going back to the Danube and Rosebank excites me anymore. not even my new n9500 buys my happiness now. where my projects used to be great sources of inspiration (lhai, give me inspiration!), now, they only dampen my ennui.

i am at an impasse – trying to discern what would be good for me in the long run. if i could just plot all aspects, all decisions, and their probabilities in one Excel spreadsheet and do a Monte Carlo simulation until i settle on a stable and equilibrium condition, life would be perfect. but i guess only the ONE above has the formula to achieve the CGE of life.

There's no key, guide, map or secret

Just look at yourself for real but don't dream it

Take those emotions now, begin to feel it

Think it, say it, do it, be it.*

here’s hoping next year will be prestissimo – an ode to joy!

… try to remember the kind of September … it's nice to remember …. without the hurt the heart is hollow. ~ Fantasticks

* * *

PS (a mail, or a letter for that matter, is not complete without the postscript). i have always tried to live by this quote from gb shaw, and i think it is good to reiterate this now. consider this my mission, the preamble to my personal history, to a life of longing, loving and obssessing....

True Joy of Life

This is the true joy of life.

The being used for a purpose

Recognized by yourself as a mighty one.

The being a force of nature

Instead of a feverish, selfish

Little clod of ailments and grievances

Complaining that the world will not

Devote itself to making you happy.

I am of the opinion that my life

Belongs to the whole community

And as long as I live,

It is my privilege to do for it

Whatever I can.

I want to be thoroughly

Used up when I die,

For the harder I work the more I live.

I rejoice in life for its own sake.

Life is no brief candle to me.

It is a sort of splendid torch

Which I've got hold of

For the moment

And I want to make it burn

As brightly as possible before

Handling it on to future generations.